“So, what’s your story then?”
Before that question had been asked of Mordekai, he had kept his distance from Kazumi’s sermon. Firstly, holy words hurt his head (and more besides), and secondly whatever she had to say would not apply to him. He was, by his own reckoning, beyond such concepts as “love”, “compassion”, and “the light”.
He was Damned. Many, many years ago, before the warning from Chancellor Adramalech about the end of days, before the modification of their pact where he had to swear his own children into the service of his master, and his master’s master, he had made the original pact. It was borne of desperation, for he knew not where to turn after the events that had precipitated it. A young Mordekai, sworn to the noble pursuit of knowledge and the arcane in order to better the lives of those around him, to defy his lineage and prove the naysayers wrong… those days, when he was idealistic and full of hope, he could love and have compassion. But when illness came for the one he loved so dearly, and nothing that clerics, druids or even sorcerers did touched her sickness, withering her away slowly, day by day…
He became Damned. He swore a pact with whoever would answer from the Hells in order to cure his beloved of her sickness. And cured she was, with the knowledge from Adramalech. But it came at a cost – now Mordekai was bound to his service, a mortal to enact his schemes on the world without the interference of the other Lords of Hell, let alone the Heavens. But even though she survived, she left him – she could not bear the thought of the pact he had to make in order to save her. Divine Intervention? Maybe. But a pact with a devil, and one so high in rank besides? No, that was too much. And therefore, he was alone.
He wouldn’t be alone for long. The Chancellor of Asmodeus’ schemes involved a cult of knowledge on the surface – the Cult of the Librarian. He would give the tools to his servant, and he would write encyclopedias of knowledge. “Mordekai’s Musings on Everything” they would be called, and as they became popular, more and more read them, and more and more felt the devilish influence of Adramalech in their minds, joining the cult with Mordekai at its head. Thus, he was no longer alone, at least in physicality. In spirit? Another matter entirely.
It was the same with the party. Not alone in the physical sense. But he felt no connection to them outside of the contract he swore to when joining the Guild. The Guild was also a means to an end, his level of the tower was a home for the Cult, let alone his own personal research laboratory and archive. But they weren’t his friends. So, when Kazumi had begun her sermon, his core railed against it with all his being, not just because it was radiant and holy, but because it harmed him in other ways that could not be seen.
“Your hearts refused to let mine fall silent.”
No, I was contractually obligated to defend you.
“Each of you shone more brightly than I ever could…”
I do not shine. I am Damned. I dance with the Darkness and use it as my sword and shield.
“I will spend every breath I have left ensuring none of you ever face the darkness alone.”
I do not want your help. I will face the abyss myself, as I have countless times before. Alone.
“Let them love boldly and be loved without shame. Let them laugh, even when the world tells them not to. Let them hold one another, and know they are not alone.”
I do not love. I corrupt. I do not laugh with joy, but with the satisfaction of knowing I have corrupted others. I do not want to be held, for I am Damned and must suffer that alone.
“By love… we are made whole.”
I am not whole, I am broken, I am damaged, I do not want to be loved, I am Damned, I must suffer, Ẁ̴̧̱͈͐ẖ̶̿̀̎y̶͙̤̣̔ ̷̥̠̬̆m̸̮̬͘u̶͆͜s̴͖̎͒͂t̵̢̫̯̉ ̷͉̀ͅȊ̶̩͠ ̶͙̞̝̅s̸̤͍̒̚͘u̵̼͛f̴̧̼̤́͒̕f̷͚͑͠e̷̢͑r̷̯̒,̷̺͇̔ ̴̣̠̉͆̽Ḭ̷̌ ̵͎͔̞̚͠d̷̼͂o̸̠͇͛̄̾ ̴̻͒̄n̵̨̹͖̆ö̶̙t̸͕̤̉͝ ̷̤́w̴̟̳͇͊a̴̘̰̮͊͆̀ṇ̸̥̹̚t̵͔̞̐̃͂ͅ ̸̹̱̂t̴͍̋o̴͕͍͋ͅ ̸̙̫̊ś̴̰͈͔̅ũ̸̯͌f̷̪̮̋̓f̷̰̈́ẽ̶̠͙̺̒ŗ̴͕̑̓͝,̸̭̿̈́ ̵̘̯̾̐I̵̗͎̽ ̴̣͗ď̷̢̥͓̐͑ȯ̶̟̼͚ ̶̯̽ń̸̛̟̟͘o̷̼͑̀̀t̷̜͔̆ ̴̧̖̰̈̐̑w̸̡͈̙͗̓a̸̙̋̿̒n̵̟̩̓͒ẗ̴̡́ ̵͚̮̈́̈́ṯ̵̰͍̒o̷͓͐͑͜ ̸̰͠ś̴̡̹͇u̸̧̝̎̕f̶̧̤̥͒͑͠f̵̝͎̤͑͊̋e̷̡̳͉͌͛r̸̘̋,̵̡̧̤̄̿ ̸̘͊̋͠Ĭ̴̧̺̊ ̶̢̼̞̂d̵̦̫͍̒́o̴͚͆̃̿͜ ̶̨͙̟͝ṇ̶̌̓o̵̬͓̐͊ͅt̶̳̯̾̀͐.̴͓̎.̷̹̦̋.̸̥̹̀̍̋
“…so what’s your story then?” Skoll had asked him after the sermon and the meal.
“That is none of anyone’s business. Excuse me.” Mordekai got up and left the group.
My story? My story is that I am Damned. And that’s all there is to it.